12.14.12 Donder Wonder

C’mon, admit it, you’ve always wondered about Donner.

All the other reindeer names make sense. Dasher dashes, Dancer dances, Prancer prances. Cupid and Vixen probably hang out together in the off-season. Comet is clearly the fastest one. And Blitzen is the German one that sparkles like lightning.

But Donner? Something’s up with that one. And therein lies the controversy. When “A Visit from St. Nicholas” was first published in the Troy NY Sentinel in 1823, the author was anonymous. As it was reprinted and became famously known as “The Night Before Christmas,” a Columbia University literature professor named Clement Clarke Moore came forward to claim authorship. (A friend of Moore’s had apparently sent the poem in surreptitiously to protect Moore’s stature as a serious scholar.) Moore modeled his story from similar ones in his colleague Washington Irving’s History of New York, and he had gotten the inspiration for his St. Nicholas from a Dutch handyman he knew who went about with a sleigh full of tools in the wintertime. Or so said Moore’s children, who after Moore’s death included the poem in an anthology of his works, giving Clement Clarke Moore lasting fame as the poem’s creator.

But then there’s Donner, or rather “Donder.” When Moore gave an early handwritten copy of the poem to the New York Historical Society, he spelled the name Donder (it was only later that it became Donner, which is easier to read out loud.) Well, “Donder” doesn’t make sense either, but “Dunder” does. It’s the Dutch word for “Thunder,” which is the perfect match for “Blixem,” the Dutch word for “Lightning.” Imagine Dunder and Blixem, pulling Santa’s sleigh like Thunder and Lightning. That’s awesome!

If you dig a little deeper, you come to a poet named Henry Livingston Jr., who was slightly older than Moore and who wrote many poems consistent with “A Night Before Christmas.” Unlike Moore, whose body of work is almost entirely serious scholarship, Livingston wrote many lighthearted poems, and most were in the same anapaestical metrical scheme as “A Night.” Moreover, Livingston’s mother was Dutch, and he drew from a rich Dutch tradition of stories about “Sinteklaes” and his reindeer “Dunder” and “Blixem.” Finally, Moore was an avowed opponent of smoking, so it makes no sense that he would make his Santa a smoker.

Perhaps Livingston was the real author, some of his stories were picked up by the historian Washington Irving, and one of them was co-opted – or even merely translated from the original Dutch – by Clement Moore, a serious language scholar. Only later, when the poem exploded in popularity and the author(s) were dead, did Moore get the credit for writing one of the best-known works in the English language.  A Christmas gift indeed.

The world may never know the truth, and Donner ain’t talking. But the next time you read the poem to little kids, give Livingston his due and throw in some of the intended drama of Dunder and Blixem. Santa’s sleigh, coming through the night like Thunder and Lightning. That’s awesome.

12.7.12 Nog

This is where mixology meets etymology.

Nobody is quite sure where the name comes from. But the drink has its roots in many forms of milk-and-alcohol libations that were common in Europe since at least the Middle Ages. One such drink was “Posset,” a glass of milk curdled with alcohol, which was believed to have medicinal properties; it was almost synonymous with winter, the cold and flu season. In Spain, the alcohol of choice was Madeira, which was widely available, and they added some spices to improve the flavor.

Sometime later in England, the recipe was given a bit of a flip. By taking the drink and flipping it back and forth between two pitchers, you get a little froth into the mix. Add an egg into the equation, and you get a thicker, even frothier concoction known as an “Egg Flip.” And, since the vessel it was most commonly served in was a wooden cup known as a “Noggin,” the name morphed into “Egg Nog.”

Maybe. Others believe “Egg Nog” is an American invention. Here, in the English colonies, folks originally enjoyed their holiday dairy beverage spiked with brandy or sherry. But as taxes on these wines became onerous, the colonists started substituting cheap rum that came up from the Caribbean via the slave trade. Since the resulting drink was defined by eggs and grog, it became “Egg-n-Grog,” which was later shortened to “Egg Nog.”

Today, folks in America continue to use potent spirits like rum and bourbon, while the Europeans usually still opt for wine. But as long as the recipe contains dairy, alcohol, egg and spices, it’s an Egg Nog.

And whether you are studying its history or indulging in its chemistry, one thing is for sure.

It will go to your noggin.

11.30.12 Season of Giving

The Season of Giving is well under way.

New Jersey native John Turner runs a water removal business in Chicago. Recently, after seeing the devastation of Superstorm Sandy, he loaded his gear into his van and drove 14 hours to the Jersey Shore. While working some paid jobs, Turner provided free help to some of the more unfortunate victims of the storm. After a long day on the job, he stopped into a convenience store for a drink. Bought himself a lottery ticket. Gave it a scratch. And won $100,000. He plans to put some of the money into his business, donate some of it to his church, and give the rest to a Jersey family in need.

Then this week the Internet lit up with a feel-good story from Times Square. Police Officer Lawrence DePrimo was working the counter-terrorism unit on a cold night when he came upon a man sitting on the sidewalk without shoes or socks. He walked to a nearby Skechers store and grabbed a pair of $100 all-weather boots. When the store manager learned what he was doing, he gave DePrimo the employee discount. The officer bought the boots and some socks for $75. He returned to the homeless man. Knelt down to help him put them on. And a passing tourist noticed and snapped a photo with her cell phone. The tourist went home to Arizona, but after two weeks she sent the photo and a complimentary note via email to the NYPD. It was posted on the department’s Facebook page. The photo went viral, generated millions of hits, and was picked up by the NY Times and was featured on the Today show.

Are you inspired? Feeling the need to do something nice for somebody? Well, you’re in luck. Every year, the American Red Cross distributes holiday cards to veterans recuperating in places like Walter Reed Hospital. With so many vets returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, there is a greater need for cards this year than ever. So here’s what you do: grab a card at the grocery store. Jot down a note of appreciation (don’t include your personal information or any enclosures). Stick it in an envelope. Address it to to address below. And post it before December 7.

Holiday Mail for Heroes
P.O. Box 5456
Capitol Heights, MD 20791-5456

You’re not going to win 100 Grand. You’re not going to be a Facebook phenomenon. You’re not even gonna know who received your card. The only thing you will know is that you made a small difference.

What a huge gift.

 

11.16.12 *

Behold the power of the asterisk.

There’s a product out there whose benefits can hardly be believed: Citicoline improves brain function.* Phenyalanine enhances alertness.* Taurine helps maintain the integrity of cell membranes.* Glucuronolactone has been shown to reduce sleepiness.* Caffeine provides a boost of energy and feeling of heightened alertness.*

Wow, those are some pretty hefty claims, hardly believable even. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that, when these claims are made on the website of 5-Hour Energy, all five of them are disclaimed, *This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. That’s right, five disclaimed claims on a single page!

But hang on, isn’t there a TV spot that says doctors recommend 5-Hour Energy? Well, yeah, sort of, and here’s the script: “Over 73% (of doctors) who reviewed 5-hour Energy said they would recommend a low-calorie energy supplement to their healthy patients who use energy supplements. 5-hour Energy has only 4 calories, and is used over 9 million times a week.” Ladies and gentlemen, that may be the best non-endorsement endorsement ever created. (Ignore the fact that it’s overlaid with a 1-line legal disclaimer, a 6-line legal disclaimer, a 3-line legal disclaimer, and a 2-line legal disclaimer.)

So what we have is a product that purports to be GOOD for you based entirely on the rationale that no one has been able to determine that it is BAD for you.

At least, not until now. This week the Food and Drug Administration and New York’s Attorney General announced that they are investigating claims that 5-Hour Energy may have contributed to 13 deaths and 33 hospitalizations. And, in his defense, all the 5-hour Energy owner has to say is, “It’s overblown. When it’s in small quantities … It’s like this — water is good, but if you have too much you drown.”

Yep, it’s just like water. Water, with a really big asterisk. So, in that spirit, we have a suggestion for a new tagline for this product:

If you drink 5-Hour Energy, you’re crazy*

*This statement has been evaluated by sane individuals, and it’s true. If you drink this stuff, you really are crazy.

11.9.12 Tax Dodge

As soon as the election returns were counted and the winners announced, the revenue argument began. Some said there was a new mandate to raise taxes, others said not. But there was one thing that the President of the United States, the Speaker of the House, and the Senate Majority Leader all agreed was immediately needed: tax reform.

So, in honor of that quorum, we went over to TurboTax and did a little research and found some idiosyncratic tax loopholes that we suggest should be closed:

  1. The Whaling Window: Up to $10,000 in deductions can be taken on repairs made to whaling vessels. Since whaling is banned for everyone but some Native Americans, this is unfairly benefiting those super-rich Aleuts.
  2. Man’s Best (Tax) Friend: Expenses for moving to a new job location are tax deductible. And that includes the cost for moving any of your pets. Morever…
  3. 1040 Protected by Dog: So is the cost of having a guard dog for your small business. Sit. Stay. Roll over. Deduct. Good boy.
  4. Income Augmentation: A tax deduction for silicone injections? Yup, if you work in the adult entertainment industry and can prove it makes you more profitable. (Government-sponsored immorality! The Tea Party was right!!)
  5. Smoking is Good for You: Admittedly, it’s hard to quit. But should you really get a refund from the federal government for buying Chantix or being hypnotized?
  6. Support in the Slammer: Al Capone went down for being a tax cheat. But ironically, today some legal defense costs are tax deductible, even after you are found guilty. That’s criminal.
  7. The Reverse Money Pit: Folks who own their own pool are probably rich enough to not need a deduction for pool maintenance as part of their “necessary health regimen.”
  8. A Healthy Tax Prescription: Beyond the swimming pool, just about any health-related cost can be deducted, as long as your doctor prescribes it.
  9. Uncharitable Intentions: If someone wants to help in their community, great. But while they are working free of charge, they can also get a tax credit for the costs of a babysitter (as long as they pay that sitter on the books, y’right).
  10. The Clarinet Conspiracy: If your kid has an overbite, you can deduct clarinet purchases and lessons, thanks to a 1962 provision created when orthodontists claimed playing the clarinet helps correct it. That blows.

With loopholes like these, it should be easy to solve our fiscal crisis. Just simplify and clean up the tax code. That should solve the problem. After all, all we need is, y’know, to find, um, y’know, 16 trillion dollars…

 

11.2.12 Sandy Slammed

I got the call from my soccer teammate soon after the power came back on Wednesday morning. He’s got two young kids and he’s divorced, so he needs to schedule his weekends carefully.

“Hey buddy, what do you know about Halloween?” he asked. (It was only after asking this that he told me about the pine tree that almost crushed his house.)

Well, my kids are older, and in 12 years living on a busy road in New Jersey we’ve never had a single visitor on Halloween night, so trick-or-treating wasn’t exactly on my mind. I was still waiting to hear from my partners up in Basking Ridge and Hackettstown, who hadn’t gotten power and cell service back up, and probably wouldn’t until after this weekend.

But then I thought about my friend’s young kids, and realized it was October 31. So, given the luxury of power and a hi-speed router, I consulted the almighty Google. And found almost nothing. It was like Halloween didn’t exist. I called my friend back and let him know I’d ask around.

Later that day came what for a school kid must be devastating news: Halloween had been postponed. Governor Christie signed an executive order officially moving Halloween to Monday, Nov. 5. And one-by-one, the various NJ townships made declarations about whether they’d abide by the order. My town of Hopewell fell in line that afternoon.

I called my buddy. Since his ex-wife was going to have the kids this weekend, he got to tell his kids that, when he got them back on Monday, he’d be able to take them trick-or-treating.

But then PSE&G repaired some of the lines, and on Thursday half of the township was back up. And that spawned the rumor than folks were going to take their kids out on Friday night. I called my buddy and let him know that HIS WIFE would by taking them trick-or-treating. But then, when we got the call from the school district cancelling school on Friday (completing Sandy’s full-school-week-wipeout) the message also reinforced that the town was still officially following the Governor’s mandated schedule. I called my buddy and let him know that HE would be taking his kids trick-or-treating on Monday. And then, this morning, yet another announcement came that, since PSE&G was anticipating restoring power to the rest of town today, perhaps Halloween might be on Saturday night after all. I called my buddy and asked him to stand by for an announcement.

You want to understand Sandy’s devastation? OK, explain this to a kid: Halloween won’t happen tonight, because the adults need to keep you safe. It’ll be next week, so you’ll go with your dad. (I know it’s hard, but the Governor says so.) Oh, wait, forget what I said, your mom will take you tomorrow night! (Yay, get your costumes ready.) But then again, no, the school district just postponed it again, so it’s with your dad, next week. (There, there, you’ve got to be patient.)  Unless – hey, the power’s back up! – it’s tomorrow! (That is of course unless we hear on Saturday that it can’t go on.)

Watching the adults deal with Sandy must be just plain scary.

10.26.12 Bravo Zulu

Sometimes help arrives when it’s least expected, and when it’s most deserved.

Take, for example, the situation facing several dozen elderly travelers slowly working their way through Baltimore-Washington airport. The group was comprised of 67 World War II veterans and their spouses who had flown in to tour the nation’s capital. They had walked through the crowded hallways, down to baggage claim. And now – as you might expect for a group this large (and all getting on in years) – the prospect of collecting all their luggage and hauling it outside was daunting.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, up stepped what appeared to be a naval officer in uniform, who offered his assistance. And then up stepped another, and another, a veritable army of porters all in navy dress blues. Turns out the men’s lacrosse team from the Naval Academy had arrived at BWI a few moments earlier, on their way home from a fall scrimmage at Notre Dame. They had been alerted to the veterans’ imminent arrival, and had waited to help them out. When the veterans arrived at baggage claim, the Mids collected all their gear, hauled it out to 3 awaiting tour buses, loaded everything up, and helped the veterans aboard. There were grateful hugs and handshakes all around.

As the buses closed their doors, the players quickly lined the passageway and snapped to attention. And then, as the veterans pulled away, the team honored them with a long, and lasting, salute.

The moment was captured by the team’s Director of Operations. And when he posted the photograph on the team’s Facebook page, the Internet snapped to attention. The photo went viral, generating over 25,000 Likes and a story in USA Today. You can see it and like it for yourself here:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151072453756485&set=a.101997416484.102190.94674266484&type=1&permPage=1

Bravo Zulu, Gentlemen.

10.19.12 Big Money

Sometimes the size and scope of the federal budget can be so overwhelming it’s hard to comprehend. And with so much pre-election chatter, it can get downright dizzying. So as a public service, the following is a simplified recap of spending, as reported on the federal website, to help you wrap your head around it. (It’s a rough average of recent and projected years.)  You’re welcome. 

 

Let’s say the government has about 100 dollars to spend each year…

 

We spend about 24 bucks taking care of old folks. That’s the amount that goes in some shape or form to Medicare.

 

About 24 dollars goes to Social Security.

 

The Defense Department gets about 23 bucks.

 

Welfare is about 11 dollars.

 

The fifth largest line item is debt service. We make a 7-dollar interest payment.

 

It costs about 3 dollars to transport federal stuff all around each year.

 

Education also gets about 3 bucks.

 

Paying federal salaries is about 1 buck; making sure courts and prisons are safe is another 1 dollar.

 

That leaves 3 bucks. Which is what we spend on R&D, Agriculture and Forestry, Fuel and Energy, Mining and Manufacturing, Communications, Economic Affairs, Waste and Pollution, EPA, Housing and Urban Development, Recreation and Cultural Services, Religious and Community Services, and Broadcasting and Publications.

 

So there goes the 100 dollars. In the meantime, the government has collected about 65 dollars in taxes. So that results in an annual deficit of about 35 bucks. And that gets added to the national debt.

 

Which currently stands at about 460 bucks.

10.12.12 A Maze Ing

One of the great things about the Internet is that marketing claims just don’t have to be defensible. For example, just google up the phrase, “world’s largest corn maze.”

It is definitely at Adventure Acres, right outside of Dayton, Ohio; it says so right on their website. It’s actually 5 different mazes all mashed together, with over 11.5 miles of trails. And of course they’ve got all the other Halloween attractions like a haunted hayride, picking your own pumpkins, and a tractor-pulled “cow train” for the little ones. But if all that isn’t enough, they’ve got corn cannons. Yup, this is your chance to shoot an ear of corn 500 yards. Which has been described, with no legal review whatsoever, as a “ton of fun.”

The Richardson family of Spring Grove, Illinois might beg to differ, however. That’s because they actually have the world’s largest corn maze; it says so right on their website. And their maze is not only huge, this year it’s in the shape of a Girl Scout (holding badges and cookies!) in celebration of 100 years of Girl Scouts. And if that isn’t enough, you can go for an ORB ride. They strap you into the inside of a huge clear plastic ball and roll you down a ramp (not enough hills in Illinois) and across a field. It’s a lot of fun and totally safe; the website clearly states the ORB is managed by “certified operators.”

But hang on, even in the digital age, there’s still a certain single source of superlatives: The Guinness Book of World Records. And according to Guinness, the largest corn maze is Cool Patch Pumpkins in Dixon, California. These guys have a maze so huge that they provide visitors with GPS coordinates for the entrance, the exit, and several branded stopping points, including a fully-functional Starbucks. They don’t have much else other than pumpkins and scarecrows. Just one really big maze. The BIGGEST maze.  So there!

Okay, what’s a smaller maze to do? Go for style over substance! In a perfect case of applying cutting edge technology to old-school fun, the Kraay family of Lacombe, Alberta, Canada have grown the world’s first fully functional QR-code corn maze. Anybody who wants to visit their farm simply needs to rent an airplane or helicopter, fly over their maze and take a picture, scan the QR code into a cell phone, and it takes them right to the farm’s website, which gives directions on how to drive on out to visit the corn maze. Gosh that’s handy. It may not be the world’s largest corn maze, but it’s certainly the coolest.

(Unless you google up, “coolest corn maze” which takes you to Connors Farms near Salem, Massachusetts, which has a maze in the shape of, um, The Witches of Salem. They don’t have corn cannons, rolling ORBs, Starbucks or QR codes. Just witches.  Real witches. In Salem. Cool.)

10.5.12 Amen Break

If you’re thinking you’ve heard this one before, all we can say is “Amen Brother.”

It’s a story older than you might imagine. It begins way back in 1969, when a Funk and Soul band named The Winstons releases a single called “Color Him Father” which becomes one of the top 100 hits of the year and wins a Grammy. But it’s the other side of the single which is destined for greatness. The song on that B-side is called “Amen Brother.” It’s nothing special, but right smack in the middle there’s a drum break of about 6 seconds by one G. C. Coleman that…well, we’ve gotten ahead of ourselves…

Jump forward to the late eighties. In the poorer neighborhoods of America’s inner cities, a new form of music is developing called Hip Hop. Hugely rhythmic, Hip Hop is defined by two new “instruments”: the turntable, which is played by scratching records backwards and forwards, and a digital recording device called a sampler, which can capture small sections of existing music so they could be rearranged and played back in new and interesting ways. Hungry for samples, Hip Hop artists comb through the Soul catalog of the 60’s, and come upon the 6-second drum break from Amen Brother. They record it, they sample it, they play it and the crowd loves it. It becomes known as the “Amen Break” and soon it’s a staple of Hip Hop culture. In 1988, the Amen Break (looped over and over) crashes into the national consciousness as the rhythm track of NWA’s classic “Straight Outta Compton.”

The thumping is heard clear to England. In London in the early 90’s, music producers take sampling and digital manipulation to extremes. They deconstruct the Amen Break into its individual drum hits (snare, hi-hat, bass and crash) and rearrange the pieces to create new rhythms and new musical styles like Techno, Ragga-Jungle and Drum-and-Bass. Totally cool, totally danceable. But the music soon becomes progressively derivative, self-involved, and just plain strange. As a result, the rave comes to an end, but not before the Amen Break has been recycled so many times it has been literally embedded into thousands of recordings.

Many of which end up in the house catalog of numerous commercial music production companies. As the new millennium dawns, bits and pieces of those recordings are used to create new soundtracks for Hollywood and Madison Avenue. The Amen Break is used to sell everything from Jeeps to Levis to Nexium.

And today, when your 4-year-old daughter turns on Cartoon Network to watch Powerpuff Girls, that sound driving the theme song is G. C. Coleman’s 6-second drum break from 1969.

You have definitely heard it before, and you can hear it again. Because, amen, there is an online database. www.amenbreakdb.com