12.19.08 Nuts, Not

Reading the latest headlines, you might feel like saying “NUTS!” But for some this holiday season, it’s the lack of nuts that’s the issue.

Like our economic meltdown, the nut problem has been developing for some time. Scientists tell us that an ice storm that struck the East Coast in 2006 may be the culprit. Or perhaps a wetter-than-usual spring in 2008. But whatever the reason, after a bumper crop last year, this fall there have been absolutely no acorns produced by red oaks across the Northeast. None. According to field biologist Rod Simmons, “This is not just a bad year for oaks. It’s a zero year. There’s zero production. I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

This is not a good time to be a squirrel; acorns are their primary resource for surviving the winter. From Virginia to New England, folks are noticing that the squirrels are acting, well, nutty. They’ve been ransacking Halloween pumpkins. Digging through the trash. They’re skinny, they’re aggressive. Here in Joisey, we can report that our squirrels are taking full advantage of “The Bird Feeder Bailout”; we can’t keep the things full for more than a day or two.

If you’re not fond of squirrels, you may think this is good news and good riddance. On the other hand, if you like the little varmints, you may want to throw them a few peanuts or a corn cob. But either way, squirrels are pretty resourceful. They’ll find other food sources and most will survive. As for the oaks themselves, they’ve got another century or two of growth ahead of them, so they’re not worried at all. It’s all just nature’s way. Boom! Bust! Bonus! Bummer!  It all comes around.

And so it shall. To our clients, colleagues and friends, we hope you’re not too skinny or aggressive this holiday season. And here’s to an extremely nutty 2009.

 

10.31.08 Bad Cruise

Just in time for Halloween: Nightmare on Broad Street.

Carnival Cruise Lines recently launched a new ad campaign, “Fun for All, All for Fun,” positioning the brand as the most festive cruise line in the world. To prove it, last Monday, Carnival’s promotions guys rolled the “World’s Largest Beach Ball” through the streets of Dallas. A huge success, but just the prologue to the main event. This coming Sunday, Carnival plans to unveil the “World’s Largest Piñata” in Philadelphia. Standing six stories tall and measuring 50 feet from head to tail, the piñata will be smashed by a wrecking ball, to shower 800 pounds of candy down upon the delighted faces of the thousands of kids that Carnival is hoping will attend. I mean, it can’t get bigger than that!

Well, um, er, actually…After two days of rain delays, on Wednesday night Philadelphia’s Phillies defeated Tampa Bay to become World Series Champions. It’s Philly’s first major championship in 25 years. As the city erupted in joy, Mayor Nutter proudly announced the details for a victory parade. The fun begins today at noon. It will kick off at 20^th and Market Streets, head past City Hall, down Broad Street, and finish at a DOUBLE stadium event at Lincoln Financial Field and Citizens Bank Park. And, since it’s happening on a Friday, which also happens to be Halloween, over a million people are expected. School districts throughout New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware are anticipating the greatest rash of truancy they’ve ever seen. Is there a Guinness record for “Most Hooky Played in One Day”?

Or perhaps, “World’s Largest Candy Hangover.” Philadelphia expects it will take all weekend to clean up the mess. Carnival has been forced to move their event (which took several months to plan) to a much less desirable location. Carnival issued a terse press release that the piñata will appear “on Sunday at South Broad Street and Washington Avenue, from 12:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. The piñata will be destroyed at approximately 1:30 p.m.” Gee, sounds like fun.

Carnival, welcome to the “World’s Largest Marketing Headache.”

10.17.08 Grab the Goo

Once upon a time, there was simple little product that hit the big time and went totally diamondz.

Skateboarding is one of the fastest growing participation sports. The kids are totally down with it. Outside most malls and shopping centers, you’ll find packs of skate-rats leaping off staircases, sliding down handrails, and knocking masonry loose. Many communities have had to build skate parks for the kids to hang. There, the dudes and betties can practice kick-flips and nose-grinds from dawn to dusk, under the watchful eyes of their parents and the local police.

Shredders have learned, however, that there’s a significant limitation to their sport. No, it’s not the visits to the ER. It’s the left shoe. That’s because just about every trick a kid performs – from a pop-shove-it to a benihana-grab – is initiated by the left big toe. As a result, kids are blowing out the front of their left sole, quickly ruining an otherwise perfectly good pair of shoes. Noggles! Their meager skate budgets are getting schralped.

What’s a kid to do? Two old-school words: SHOE GOO. Shoe Goo is made by the Eclectic Products Company, an industrial chemical company that makes such things as epoxies, adhesives, nail hole fillers and coatings. Launched during the Eisenhower administration, Shoe Goo is like liquid duct tape for fixing hunting boots, repairing canvas tents, and waterproofing your waders. But it’s never been much of a mainstream product, until now. For about 5 bucks, a kid can make his $75 shoes last forever. And, even better, a Shoe Goo repair is extraordinarily shiny. So the product has become a kind of “Garish Badge of Courage,” as impressive to a skater as a ripped pair of jeans, a wicked scar, or a broken tooth. Dag! It’s totally off the hook.

Now, Shoe Goo sticks to everything, except store shelves. It’s flying off the racks faster than a boni-oni can shred the gnar.

But parents, don’t get too stoked. Eclectic Products is a private company, so you can’t buy stock in it. Hamster!

9.26.08 Hot Stuff

If the day’s news has got you down, what you need is a jolt of hot sauce.

But first, some history. Just before the Civil War, Edmund McIlhenny was a wealthy banker living in a mansion in New Orleans. Then the Union Army came to town. New Orleans was captured and looted, and McIlhenny’s home was taken. He fled to Avery Island, where his wife’s family mined rock salt. But the federals took that too. McIlhenny was left with nothing to his name but a miserable crop of hot peppers. With no other prospects, he crushed some of the peppers and mixed them with vinegar and salt, and sent them to local wholesalers. One bottle fell into the hands of General Hazard, the federal administrator in New Orleans, who loved the stuff. And, as luck would have it, his brother turned out to be the largest grocery wholesaler in the country! On the strength of the purchase orders that poured in, McIlhenny launched “Tabasco,” which became the country’s most popular brand of hot sauce.

And now it’s turning out that Tabasco might just save us all. Hot sauces get their heat from the chemical capsaicin, which is proving itself to be a bit of a wonder drug. When you eat Tabasco, your body gets busy removing the capsaicin from your system. Recent medical studies suggest that this results in increased metabolism and reduced lipid absorption. So hot sauce has the potential to give you energy and keep you fit. Tabasco adds flavor but is low in fat and calories. But wait, there’s more. Capsaicin may also help control diabetes. And a recent study by Cornell University – so it must be true – shows that adding hot sauce to meals may actually reduce ulcers and digestive distress.

Now, we’re not saying that Tabasco will solve all the world’s problems. But if reading the morning headlines is giving you a case of indigestion, you might just want to add a few drops to your eggs.

(We received no compensation from The McIlhenny Company for this quick Sliver.)

8.15.08 Fighting Back

In a refugee camp in Iran, three young men practiced taekwondo. They had been forced from their homes in Kabul, Afghanistan when the Taliban came to power. Rohullah Nikpai and his brother had met Noor Ahmad Gayezabi in the camp, and together they formed a team and spent their days training.

After the US invasion of Afghanistan, the boys returned to Kabul. Nikpai got a modest job as a barber, which was a risky proposition. The Taliban would occasionally reassert themselves, and punish those who broke the strict rules of the Islamic sharia, such as barbers who gave Western-style haircuts. But Nikpai needed the money to fund his taekwondo dreams. In the mornings, he would lift weights, and in the evenings, he would train.

In 2004, Afghanistan sent five women to the Athens Olympics, the first Afghan Olympians since 1996. Many of them competed in bulky traditional dress, but even still they endured death threats. Nikpai, meanwhile, had Olympic dreams of his own. In 2006, he went to the Asian Games and lost in the round of 16 to the eventual silver medalist. In 2007, he placed second in the world taekwondo qualifier, and punched his ticket to Beijing. Leading up to 2008, he and his teammates faced intense criticism from detractors and scrutiny from supporters; the only Afghan female athlete fled to Norway so she could train in peace.

On August 8, Nikpai walked into the Bird’s Nest as a member of Afghanistan’s team of four athletes. He had to wait eleven days for his first match, which he won 4-3. The next day he lost his first match, but won his second, putting him into the consolation round.

On Wednesday morning in Kabul, Nikpai’s old friend Gayezabi turned on his TV. Miraculously, the electricity was on, and his set was receiving a signal. He flipped on the Olympics coverage and watched, teary-eyed, as his old friend and fellow refugee Nikpai defeated the reigning world champion, Juan Antonio Ramos of Spain, 4-1, to achieve a tie for third.

Rohullah Nikpai’s bronze in men’s lightweight taekwondo is Afghanistan’s first Olympic medal.  He said, “I hope this will send a message of peace to my country after 30 years of war.”

6.3.08 Hamilton’s House

Alexander Hamilton has been dead for over 200 years, but he’s still on the move.

He was born on Nevis as the bastard son of a Scottish laird, who abandoned the family. Denied entry to the Church of England academy, he attended a Jewish school. His mother died when he was 13, leaving him an orphan, and her belongings passed to his half-brother, leaving him a pauper. He was adopted by a cousin, who soon after committed suicide. He clerked in an import-export company, and spent his free time reading Greek and Roman texts. His account of a hurricane that devastated Nevis was published in the local paper. The locals were impressed, and they took up a collection to send him to America to get an education.

He arrived in Elizabethtown, New Jersey in 1772. Princeton University rejected him, so he headed for King’s College (now Columbia). Two years later, when the Revolution broke out, Hamilton enlisted in the Hearts of Oak militia. He distinguished himself in the battles of New York City and White Plains, and was named Captain of the New York Artillery. When George Washington turned the tide of the Revolution at Trenton in 1776, Hamilton oversaw the shelling of the town. When the United States finally defeated the British at Yorktown, Hamilton oversaw the shelling of General Cornwallis’ reputation.

He married Elizabeth Schuyler, from one of New York’s wealthiest families; he was elected to the Congress of the Confederation; he started his own law practice; he founded the Bank of New York; he was the first New York delegate chosen to the Continental Convention. Hamilton advocated a strong central government and was ridiculed as a monarchist by many of the other Founding Fathers. But with John Jay and James Madison, he wrote The Federalist Papers which convinced Americans to approve the Constitution. He founded the US Treasury, and established how the U.S. would do business for the next 200 years. He started the New York Post, the oldest continually published daily in the country. His influence prevented Aaron Burr from becoming president in 1800, and from becoming governor of New York in 1804. For this, Hamilton was shot dead in a duel at the age of 49.

Hamilton had only one permanent home, built in 1802, on 33 acres in Harlem. By 1889, the house was threatened by development, so it was moved to what is now known as Hamilton Heights. But New York keeps growing, and this week, “The Grange” was moved a second time, to St. Nicholas Park. Perhaps it will stay there permanently.

But you never know. It seems that Hamilton Grange, like Hamilton himself, just can’t sit still.

5.30.08 B used to be for Bee

In the Internet age, when evryone is forgeting how to spel corectly, the spelling bee is strangely more popular than ever.

The Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee is the nation’s largest and longest running education contest. It is organized by newspapers that run preliminary contests in thousands of markets. Its name is a misnomer in that any English-language newspaper can participate, and contestants come from all over the world. Yesterday in Washington, in the last qualifying rounds, 280 juvenescent brainiacs wrestled with a cornucopia of contronyms, homographs and tetrabrachs to demonstrate their superlative orthographic proficiency. The finals will air live today on ESPN and tonight on ABC, with huge ratings expected.

As participation and interest in the event has exploded, so too has the difficulty. Not long ago, the winning words were commonly known and useful, such as “incisor” (1975), “milieu” (1985), and “kamikaze” (1993). But over the last decade, the words have become increasingly technical, arcane and complex, to the point where the finals seem less like a spelling exercise and more like a novelty act. Honestly, how often do you get a chance to use these little nuggets in your daily conversation?:

“serrefine” (2007): a small spring forceps used for approximating the edges of a wound

“ursprache” (2006): a reconstructed, hypothetical parent language

“appoggiatura” (2005): a musical note of embellishment preceding another note and taking a portion of its time

“autochthonous” (2004): aboriginal, indigenous

“pococurante” (2003): caring little; indifferent; nonchalant

With words as ridiculous as these, wouldn’t it be ironic if the winning word this year is “Floccinaucinihilipilification”? Indubitably.

5.23.08 Running From Justice

Ripped from the headlines, this is the story of an undercover narcotics agent.

The agent was tasked by the U.S. Government to help bust a drug ring involving several high-profile celebrity users. The agent secretly recorded phone calls and provided other evidence to the authorities, including evidence implicating his own friends and associates. Yesterday, the feds announced that they had cracked the case, and that as a result of the agent’s work, the ring has been broken.

But here’s the twist. The undercover narcotics agent is an Olympic gold medalist named Justin Gatlin, and the drugs involved are steroids. In an effort to root out drug use in track and field, the U.S. Government and the International Olympic Committee (IOC) used Gatlin as a stool pigeon to inform on his former coach Trevor Graham and his former teammate Antonio Pettigrew. Yesterday, Pettigrew admitted to long-term steroid use (though he had passed numerous tests throughout his career), and Graham is facing a felony charge for lying under oath. Jail time is going to be served and medals are going to be stripped, including the gold medal of the famed Michael Johnson, who won the 4X400 meter relay in 2000 at Sydney with Pettigrew. Meanwhile, Gatlin the stoolie is asking the IOC to allow him to compete this summer in Beijing. Nice.

You gotta wonder, what else is the government up to? Cripes, there’s no telling how many narcs are out there. Can an athlete trust the towel boy over at the swim complex? What about the lunch lady at the training center? And that guy who hands out the Ben-Gay always seemed a little suspicious…

Watch out Olympians, there are spies among you. And you don’t want to be on the next installment of “Law and Order: IOC”.

5.16.08 Technology Bugs

THE….ANTS….ARE…..COMING!!!

They arrived aboard a container ship at the port of Houston. They are tiny, no more than the size of fleas. They run around in every direction, and have been named “crazy ants” for their erratic behavior. They have multiplied into the billions and have spread across five counties.

They cannot be stopped. They have multiple queens, so killing one queen does no good. They are resistant to over-the-counter pesticides. And when a poison has worked, the surviving ants simply pile the bodies of their dead mates into bridges over and around the treated areas. Entomologists from Texas A&M have been called in. The EPA is considering the use of more lethal poisons. But the ants just keep marching on. “They are like lava flowing and filling an entire area, getting bigger and bigger,” said Ron Harrison, of big pest-control company Orkin.

Now the really horrific part: they want our electronics! For some reason they are drawn to electrical equipment, and they are the perfect size to crawl inside and foul things up. They have shut down sewage treatment plants. Caused computers to malfunction. Shorted out electrical boxes. Set off fire alarms. They have been spotted at Johnson Space Center, and are making their way towards Hobby Airport. Women screaming, babies crying, mass hysteria!

Is it the wrath of God? The revenge of an angry planet? If so, there’s only one thing left to do: we must admit defeat and negotiate with these terrorists. Somebody please point the crazy ants to the mainframes of ExxonMobil.

4.25.08 The Blackstone Market

Ever worry about the power of the Internet? Read on…

On November 29, 2007, Mr. Paul Berliner of the trading firm Schottenfeld Group sent an instant message to thirty-one of his Wall Street associates. Referring to a credit card processing company called Alliance Data Systems (AD), which was in talks to be acquired by Blackstone Group, Berliner wrote he was “hearing the AD board is now meeting on a revised proposal from Blackstone to acquire the company at $70/share, down from $81.50.” The suggestion was that AD’s value was deteriorating and Blackstone was lowering its offer.

The market freaked. AD’s price tumbled by 17% as traders sold their positions as fast as they could. The New York Stock Exchange had to put a temporary halt to trading in AD stock. The phone lines between AD, Blackstone and the SEC were jammed with calls. AD quickly issued a press release that this was all an ugly rumor. The rumor was squashed, trading resumed, and by day’s end, AD’s stock price rebounded to its opening level. Just a little hiccup in the markets, right?

Y’right. Today, after an investigation of six months, the SEC has concluded that Mr. Berliner created the rumor to make a quick buck. As the price of AD tumbled, he “short sold” AD stock and pocketed over $25K in less than 10 minutes. Although he won’t admit any guilt, Berliner has to repay that amount, plus another $130K for good measure, and is banned from future trading.  SEC Chairman Christopher Cox has called email and IM manipulation of stock prices a “witch’s brew” of potential problems, but that the SEC is capable of overseeing it. A lot of industry execs aren’t so sure. Many are calling for increased oversight. Congress is looking into it.

So, have no fear for your 401K. Our financial markets are in good hands. Y’right.