As we kick-start 2015, we give some thought to how folks kick-start their day.
Almost five thousand years ago, a Chinese emperor named Shennong found a better way to wake up. He realized that if you dunk tea leaves in hot water, the resulting brew proved to be a great way to start the day. The practice spread throughout China, and it wasn’t long before the world found out. Soon tea was being traded regionally, with bricks of tea being used as a form of currency. Over time, China became almost synonymous with tea, and went on to become the world’s preeminent tea grower. Today China produces almost a million metric tons per year.
Next came coffee, heathen punk. It was discovered in Ethiopia in 600 AD, just as Islam was spreading throughout the Middle East. The plants didn’t grow well in Europe, so of course the Christians demonized coffee, and continued to do so for a thousand years. But, as soon as the Spaniards realized they could grow coffee themselves in the New World, they had a change of heart. Around 1600, Pope Clement VIII blessed the stuff. Suddenly, coffee was hot. It soon overtook tea as the western world’s jolt of choice. Today, Brazil holds the title of “The Caffeineator” thanks to its yearly output of six billion beans worth of beans.
But we were still yawning. So in 1962, a Thai businessman developed a drink called “Krating Daeng,” which was co-opted in 1984 by an Austrian named Dietrich Mateschitz, who translated the name into “Red Bull.” Loaded with taurine – an amino acid found in ox bile – as well as buckets of sugar, a week’s worth of B vitamins, carbohydrates and caffeine, Red Bull is a real eye opener. Even the packaging is hyperbolic, claiming that Red Bull “improves performance, increases concentration and reaction speed, increases endurance and stimulates metabolism.” This must be true, because millions of adolescents are slurping the stuff by the gallon. Red Bull sales will easily top $7B this year.
Now it seems that the only people still sleeping are the US Food and Drug Administration. Outside America, selling bovine stomach acid to minors seems suspicious. Red Bull is being investigated by the Swedish National Food Administration after being linked to the death of three consumers. Red Bull marketing is restricted in Denmark, Norway, France and Iceland. The Brits won’t sell it anyone under 16, and the Finns will sell you only one can per day. But here in the U.S., you can sell and drink all you want, with no age restrictions.
We were intrigued. We were tired. We swigged a can an hour ago.
Would we have another? Not for all the tea in China.
the quick Sliver 