11.9.12 Tax Dodge

As soon as the election returns were counted and the winners announced, the revenue argument began. Some said there was a new mandate to raise taxes, others said not. But there was one thing that the President of the United States, the Speaker of the House, and the Senate Majority Leader all agreed was immediately needed: tax reform.

So, in honor of that quorum, we went over to TurboTax and did a little research and found some idiosyncratic tax loopholes that we suggest should be closed:

1. The Whaling Window: Up to $10,000 in deductions can be taken on repairs made to whaling vessels. Since whaling is banned for everyone but some Native Americans, this is unfairly benefiting those super-rich Aleuts.
2. Man’s Best (Tax) Friend: Expenses for moving to a new job location are tax deductible. And that includes the cost for moving any of your pets. Morever…
3. 1040 Protected by Dog: So is the cost of having a guard dog for your small business. Sit. Stay. Roll over. Deduct. Good boy.
4. Income Augmentation: A tax deduction for silicone injections? Yup, if you work in the adult entertainment industry and can prove it makes you more profitable. (Government-sponsored immorality! The Tea Party was right!!)
5. Smoking is Good for You: Admittedly, it’s hard to quit. But should you really get a refund from the federal government for buying Chantix or being hypnotized?
6. Support in the Slammer: Al Capone went down for being a tax cheat. But ironically, today some legal defense costs are tax deductible, even after you are found guilty. That’s criminal.
7. The Reverse Money Pit: Folks who own their own pool are probably rich enough to not need a deduction for pool maintenance as part of their “necessary health regimen.”
8. A Healthy Tax Prescription: Beyond the swimming pool, just about any health-related cost can be deducted, as long as your doctor prescribes it.
9. Uncharitable Intentions: If someone wants to help in their community, great. But while they are working free of charge, they can also get a tax credit for the costs of a babysitter (as long as they pay that sitter on the books, y’right).
10. The Clarinet Conspiracy: If your kid has an overbite, you can deduct clarinet purchases and lessons, thanks to a 1962 provision created when orthodontists claimed playing the clarinet helps correct it. That blows.

With loopholes like these, it should be easy to solve our fiscal crisis. Just simplify and clean up the tax code. That should solve the problem. After all, all we need is, y’know, to find, um, y’know, 16 trillion dollars…