9.28.12 The Fighting…um…er…

Announcer: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we are coming to you live from the University of North Dakota, at the beautiful Ralph Engelstad Arena, home of the #2-ranked college hockey team in America, the Fighting…um…er…the University of North Dakota!

Color Commentator: And what an impressive facility this is! Plush seats, granite walls, maybe the best place to see a game in America. But folks are having to stream in carefully tonight under all the scaffolding; the NCAA is making us tear out the six exterior signs that say “Home of the Fighting…” well, you know, that phrase that is so offensive. We’ll have those down in no time.

Announcer: Oh, you bet. Meanwhile, the inside remains as beautiful as ever. And the compromise that the NCAA and the University have struck seems pretty fair. Nice to see that we get to keep that engraving of a huge Fighting…um…er…”Native American” in the granite floor. He’s a handsome fellow, love the feathers!

Color Commentator: I was always impressed by him. And you gotta think that all those brass medallions on all the seat backs with an image of a…um…”Courageous Warrior” on them, they’re safe from memorabilia hunters. Our fans are the greatest, they would never steal anything with an image of…of…”One of Those Guys Who Wiped Out Custer” on them.

Announcer: Nah, never happen. And the NCAA is also letting us keep the image on all the carpeting, at least until it wears out and has to be replaced

Color Commentator: And, heck, by then, we’ll have a new mascot! That’ll be great. I’m sure the University of North Dakota will move quickly on that.

Announcer: Um, yeah. OK, so here we go! The teams are heading out onto the ice. And here they are! Ladies and gentlemen, first the visitors, the Terriers of Boston University! And now, your home-town team, seven-time national champions, from the University of North Dakota, the Fighting…goshdarnit!…the University of North Dakota!

Color Commentator: Wow! Would you look at those brand new uniforms! Simple, elegant, no fancy designs at all. Just classic white and green, and UND on the front. Wait a minute, what’s UND?

Announcer: The University of North Dakota!

Color Commentator: Oh, right.

9.21.12 Ghosts of Democracy

On September 17, a ferocious battle broke out over the future of democracy in the United States.

On one side were those who believed in a strong federal government, greater inclusion for all citizens, and the idea that Washington has a responsibility to provide a basic level of support for everyone. On the other side were the plutocrats, who had for generations enjoyed more than their share of wealth and power, and who were willing to destroy the government rather than have it extend equal opportunity to all.

The year, however, was not 2012; it was 1862. 150 years ago this week, in the beautiful farm country of Maryland, some 73,000 union soldiers were massed on the east bank of a small creek, looking across at 40,000 confederate soldiers camped outside a small village. Shortly after dawn, the northerners crossed over and launched a furious assault against southerners hiding in a corn field near a dunker church. The result was utter chaos. No orders could be given in the noise. Guns overheated and jammed; the soldiers fought on with bayonets. The carnage was incredible. (When a general was asked later in the day where his division was, he simply replied, “dead on the field.”) The center of action then moved south to where confederates had dug in along a sunken wagon road. The northerners launched assault after assault, and so many bodies piled up that the road is now grimly remembered as the Bloody Lane. Finally, in the afternoon, a third part of the union army crossed a bridge over the creek and attacked what was left of the rebel army. The confederates were disintegrating, but reinforcements miraculously arrived, and as the day ended the two armies ground to a bloody stalemate.

It was a battle so brutal that, to this day, we can’t even agree on what to call it. Southerners refer to it as Sharpsburg; northerners call it Antietam. But this much is certain: Sept 17, 1862 was the single bloodiest day in our history, with over 22,000 Americans killed or wounded. And, though it was technically a draw, it persuaded President Lincoln to issue the Emancipation Proclamation. That in turn caused England and France to choose to not support the southern cause. All of which ultimately ensured the preservation of a unified democracy, the integration of millions of immigrants, and the freeing of over 4 million slaves. For the first time, the people of these States were truly United.

Given the magnitude and importance of this battle, it’s shocking that its anniversary passed this week largely unnoticed. But ironically, the reason for that is that the news cycle is overwhelmed by the upcoming election. The airwaves are filled with bitter dialogue, and with questions that Civil War soldiers might find oddly familiar. What is the purpose of government? Whom does a democracy serve? What is a citizen’s responsibility? And who shall lead?

In the coming weeks, we will answer those questions ourselves. We’ll all go to the polls, pull some levers, and peacefully re-invent the government without firing a shot.

And this much is certain: the ghosts of Sharpsburg, and of Antietam, will be watching.

9.14.12 Golden Don’ters

Rarely has mediocrity been so treated like gold.

The sports world cheered yesterday at the news that Notre Dame would be leaving the Big East to join the ACC. You’d think based on the multiple press conferences given by giddy ACC schools and the ACC itself that this is the greatest thing to ever happen to college sports. But, at the center of the news is one of those odd exceptions that usually betrays greater interests at work: while almost every Irish team will be a full-fledged ACC member, the football team will remain an independent.

This is quite an exception. ACC rules stipulate (at least they did up until yesterday) that, for a school to join the conference, all of their teams must compete in the ACC. (Unless it’s Notre Dame.) And as for leaving the Big East, schools are required to give 27 months notice. (Unless it’s Notre Dame; several sources claimed they’ll leave sooner than that.) And what about the $7.5MM exit fee the Big East charges for leaving the conference, which was recently billed to departing schools Syracuse and Pitt? (Notre Dame got away for just $5MM.)

Man, that’s quite a lot of special treatment. And with this new arrangement, Notre Dame’s football program gets the sweetest deal in the country. They’ll play five ACC teams each year, to make the conference happy, while getting to schedule any other high-profile games they choose. And, when it comes to consideration for bowl games, they get to double dip. They’ll be treated as both an independent AND, as a quasi-ACC team, they can represent the league in the Orange Bowl.

So when exactly did we all become so vested in Notre Dame football? Why the obsession to help them succeed?  This is a program that, over the past 10 years, has won all of 2 bowl games and generated only 2 ten-win seasons. And if you’re thinking, “Oh, but they USED to be good!” just take a look at the PREVIOUS 10 year span and you’ll find the exact same level of lameness: 2 bowl wins, 2 ten-win seasons. Their last national championship was in 1988. And no, we really don’t need to win another one for the Gipper.  That was 19-friggin-28.

Oh well, perhaps all this high-powered manipulation will result in a renaissance for Irish football. Or, then again, maybe not.  Maybe this is a start of a NEW tradition.  One in which the Irish get perennially trounced by, say, the Hokies, as badly as they have been by the Trojans (they’ve beaten USC only once in the last 10 meetings).

But if so, golden-domers can take heart. They’ve got a really great lacrosse team.

9.7.12 Back to School 101

It’s back to school season, so here’s a short primer in Technology 101.

In 1948, Drexel graduate students Bernard Silver and Norman Woodland overheard their dean talking to the president of a local retail chain. He needed a better way to inventory all the products in his stores. The two students kicked some ideas around, and then Woodland moved home to Florida. One day while sitting on the beach, he drew some Morse code in the sand, and then expanded the dots and dashes upwards and downwards, creating a pattern of thin and fat lines separated by spaces. He then realized that if one reproduced the lines on paper and used a bright light to scan across them, one was essentially creating the inverse of an optical movie soundtrack (wherein a stationary light has alternating sized lines passed over it to transmit musical data). Flickering Lines = Coded Data. Hmmm.

Silver and Woodland refined the idea and realized that if they created these alternating lines in concentric circles, rather than straight parallel lines, data could be scanned off them in any direction. In 1952, the students applied for and received a patent for both the linear and circular data patterns, and for the equipment needed to decode them. They tried to sell it to IBM, but IBM felt the technology was too far ahead of its time. So the students sold the patent to Philco, who later sold it to RCA.

Meanwhile, a third graduate student from MIT named David Collins had spent his summers working for the Pennsylvania Railroad. After graduating, he joined GTE Sylvania and developed a system called KarTrak which used yellow and blue reflective stripes to mark and identify each car in the rail system. It was adopted by the Association of American Railroads, and became the national standard. It was later abandoned, but by then the U.S. Postal Service was testing a similar system to mark all their trucks. Finally, the Kal Kan pet food company raised their hand, asking if anyone could help them more efficiently label and track their products.

In 1970, the National Association of Food Chains, working with McKinsey, developed an 11-digit coding paradigm for every grocery product, and challenged the big technology companies to develop a universal “bar code” labeling system. The winner? RCA’s circular bulls eye pattern. It went into an 18-month test in a Kroger’s store in Cincinnati. But, in a case of old-school technology taking down a cutting-edge idea, the printing of the circular labels often resulted in smears that rendered them unreadable. So IBM came up with a simplified version using straight lines that was easier to print and handle, and it tested successfully. On June 26, 1974, in a Marsh’s Supermarket in Troy, Michigan, Mr. Clyde Dawson pulled a pack of Juicy Fruit out of his grocery basket and handed it to Ms. Sharon Buchanan, who was working the checkout. She scanned it at 8:01 AM, and successfully completed the world’s first transaction by Universal Product Code.

This morning, you may be looking at your credit card statement and wondering, “how do these college students buy all this stuff so fast?” And now you know who to blame.

8.31.12 Wha?

For those of you who gagged on last week’s Lima beans, we’ve got two words for you: Ground Cherries.

No, not ground-up cherries. Ground Cherries. A plant you may not have heard of – we hadn’t – until we ran into them right alongside the Limas at the farmer’s market. The two plants have some things in common. They both originated in South America. They are both somewhat toxic, Limas contain cyanide, while Ground Cherries are members of the nightshade family, and contain potentially deadly toxins in their leaves. And with both Limas and Ground Cherries, you have to peel open a pod to get at the tasty stuff inside.

But their pods are very different, and that’s why you may have never heard of Ground Cherries. Unlike the indestructible Lima pod, the Ground Cherry pod is a delicate papery sack which looks like a mini version of a Chinese Lantern. When the fruit is ripe, the sacks falls to the, um, ground. You’ve got to harvest them off the ground on a daily basis, and they are so delicate that it’s really hard to transport them. So they’ve never been grown on a commercial basis. The only place to get Ground Cherries is at the rare roadside stand that has them in season. Or you can grow them yourself.

Why bother? Well, the Ground Cherry is a cousin of the Tomatillo. When you first peel back the husk, the fruit inside does indeed look like a smallish, yellowish cherry tomato. And when you pop one in your mouth, it sort of tastes like a tomato. Until you realize – wait, what the heck? – that it’s got a hit of pineapple! And then when you’ve barely adjusted to that, all of a sudden – what? no, it can’t be! you kidding me? – the thing smacks your taste buds with a shot of vanilla!! A Tomato Pineapple Vanilla Smoothie? Oh yeah, it tastes just like that, and in a good way.

Ground Cherries are awesome straight up, in a jam or jelly, or as a relish for pork barbecue. And if you’re really lucky and can get your hands of 3 cups of them, you can add in some brown sugar and lemon juice and make an entire pie.

Ground Cherry Tomato Pineapple Vanilla Smoothie Pie?

Oh yeah, it’s all that.   In a really good way.

8.24.12 Killer Good

These things are so awesome and tasty, they’re killer.

When the Spanish were first exploring the Americas, they ran into many dangers.  One of the more subtle perils was some curiously large seed pods which they found growing in Peru.  When the Spaniards opened them, they found each pod contained 2-4 huge beans which were almost too tough to eat.  And, when the Spanish ate them raw, they suffered severe stomach pains which may have even been deadly.  They called them Lima beans, in reference to the Peruvian capital.  They cautiously stuck some in their saddlebags.

Turns out that Limas, like many edible plants, contain a mild insecticide to ward off pests.  American Lima beans contain trace amounts of cyanide (and their cousins, Asian Limas, are heavily laced with it).  The Spanish figured this out pretty quickly, and learned from the native Incas that when Limas are boiled, uncovered, the beans become both soft and safe.  (Designs on ancient native pottery suggest that Limas were eaten only by the Incan nobility, though we don’t know for sure.)  Once the Spanish realized how good cooked Limas were, they sent some home to Spain.  The raw pods are pretty much indestructible, so they traveled very well.  Soon, Lima beans were growing throughout Europe, and from there the Portuguese spread them to their colonies in Africa and Asia.  In 1865, a tramp steamer from Peru delivered the first known commercial shipment of Limas to the United States, at Santa Barbara, and soon they were growing throughout California.  Today, California grows more Limas than anywhere else in the world.

Limas are full of fiber, protein, vitamins and minerals, they help stabilize blood sugar levels, and they may even help prevent cancer.  Trouble is, you can usually only get them frozen (which may reduce some of their nutritional value) or canned (packed in salt and preservatives).  This time of the year, however, you can find them raw at roadside stands, still packed in their poisoned pods.  They’re just waiting for you to do what the Incas did:  tear the pods open, and throw out any soft beans.  (If you’re really dedicated, soak them for an hour and then peel the skins off.)  Boil the beans for about half an hour.  Then throw in some corn and red peppers, a little butter and salt.  Simmer for 10 minutes.  Grab a fork, or better yet a soup spoon.

Sufferin’ Succotash!  What a delicious discovery.

8.3.12 What the Hail?

QUESTION:  Why are our 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th months named after the numbers 7, 8, 9 and 10?

ANSWER:  In ancient Rome, the year was originally laid out as 10 months stretching from early spring to the winter solstice. The first 4 months were named after gods (Mars, Aphrodite, Maia and Juno) and the rest were just numbered from 5-10 (Quintilis, Sextilis, September, October, November, December).  After that, there was an unnamed winter period, before starting all over again with Mars’ month.

In 46 BC, Julius Caesar defined the winter period as 2 new months, named for Janus, the god of new beginnings, and for Februa, the Roman festival of purification.  He moved the beginning of the year to Janus 1st, the day the Senate took office.  So now the year had 12 months, with the first 6 months named for something, and the last 6 months keeping their old number-names, which were now all “off” by 2.

Quintilis and Sextilis got fixed after Julius Caesar died.  He was succeeded by his adopted great-nephew, Augustus Caesar.  Augustus declared his great-uncle a god, and renamed the month of Quintilis as July, in honor of Julius’ birthday in that month.  Augustus Caesar proved to be an excellent leader, so after his death, he too was declared a god and the month of Sextilis was renamed August.

Lots of subsequent emperors tried to rename 1 or more of the last 4 months in their own honor.  Emperor Commodus tried to rename ALL 12 months in honor of himself, but he was an idiot, so nobody listened.  But in the end, only the Caesars were able to retain permanent status of “Emperor of the Month.”

Which left the last four months of the year with a numerically nonsensical nomenclature.

And for the last 2000 years, we’ve all been happy to just go along with it.

Hail, stupidity!  Hail, acquiescence!

7.13.12 Irving and Woody

This is the story of how Woody occupied Berlin.

It all started in 1893, when Isadore Baline arrived in the United States from Russia.  He worked as a singing waiter in New York, until World War 1, when he enlisted in the army.  While stationed at Camp Upton, he staged a musical review for the troops that included several upbeat, patriotic tunes.  After the war, as he was becoming a famous songwriter, his music publisher misprinted his name “Irving Berlin,” and the name stuck.  In 1938, with war threatening again in Europe, he was asked by Kate Smith to write her a song to perform at the World’s Fair.  Berlin pulled out one of his Camp Upton tunes, and reworked the lyrics.  On November 10, 1938, Kate Smith stepped up to the microphone and, for the first time, performed “God Bless America.”  Everybody loved it.

Well, almost everybody.  Woodrow Wilson Guthrie was born in Texas in 1912, and spent his youth as a traveling folk singer in the dustbowl of the Great Depression.  When he heard Berlin’s song, he thought it was simplistic and jingoistic, and insensitive to the suffering of everyday folks.  He asked himself, “In the squares of the city, in the shadow of a steeple; by the relief office, I’d seen my people. As they stood there hungry, I stood there asking: is this land made for you and me?”  Over the next 2 years, he developed his idea into a 6-verse populist manifesto.  In 1940, Woody Guthrie stepped up to the microphone at a benefit for poor farm workers, and performed, “This Land is Your Land.” Not everyone was pleased; he was branded a communist.

Since that time, Berlin’s sunny song-and-dance and Guthrie’s social criticism have been woven like competing threads through the fabric of American music.  The optimistic, prosperous 50’s were filled with colorful Berlin-inspired Broadway musicals; the rock and roll era was defined by the gritty commentary of  “Woody’s Children,” from Bob Dylan to Bruce Springsteen to Billy Bragg.

Then, when America was attacked in 2001, the two songs were brought together again.  On the afternoon of 9/11, Congress sang “God Bless America” on the steps of the Capitol, while in schools and parks across the country, folks sang “This Land is Your Land.”  And just a year later, when the Library of Congress established the National Recording Registry, the two songs were inducted together in the first class of recordings to be added.

Irving Berlin was a founding member of ASCAP and the consummate music industry titan.  He lived a long and prosperous life and died in 1989, after donating the royalties of his song to the Boy Scouts.  Woody Guthrie worked the back roads and died much younger – in 1967 from complications of Huntington’s Disease – never knowing how influential he would become.  But you’ll hear his legacy this weekend on rock and folk radio stations across the country; tomorrow is his 100^th birthday.

6.29.12 The Supremes

Washington, DC, sometime after midnight…a knock on the door.

ROBERTS: Oh it’s you, c’mon in. I gotta tell ya, you’ve put us in a bind, Anthony, a real bind.

KENNEDY: I was kinda hard on him, wasn’t I?

ROBERTS: Hard? You creamed the guy!

KENNEDY: I couldn’t help it. He’s the Solicitor General of the United States, and he’s in the Supreme Court coughing and stumbling…anyway he couldn’t have possibly thought that defending this thing under the Commerce Clause was going to fly…

ROBERTS: Sure, sure, but now we’ve got a real problem on our hands. Cuz, you know, this Court has to display total impartiality at all times…(pause)

BOTH: HAHAHA

ROBERTS: …and now that you’ve come over to our side, we’ve got that darned 5-4 judicial activist thing going on again.

KENNEDY: Yeah, John, I’m awfully sorry about that, it’s just my interpretation.

ROBERTS: Overturning this thing, yikes…half the country would scream bloody murder…so I’ve been thinking, if it’s gotta be 5-4, perhaps we can split the baby a better way…perhaps the wiser choice is to…um… uphold it.

KENNEDY: Uphold it? On what grounds?

ROBERTS: Well…I…um…how about, “promoting the general welfare of the United States” (pause)

KENNEDY: But John, that’s…that’s…that would be calling it…a tax! (longer pause) Now BOTH sides of the country will scream.  They’ll tear us to pieces!

ROBERTS: Yeah, that’s true. So I was thinking about adding in some language.

KENNEDY: Language, John?

ROBERTS: Try this: “We do not consider whether the Act embodies sound policies…Our permissive reading of these powers is explained in part by a general reticence to invalidate the acts of the Nation’s elected leaders… Members of this Court are vested with the authority to interpret the law; we possess neither the expertise nor the prerogative to make policy judgments. Those decisions are entrusted to our Nation’s elected leaders, who can be thrown out of office if the people disagree with them. It is not our job to protect the people from the consequences of their political choices.”

KENNEDY: Holy crap, John! Uphold this thing, call it a tax, and encourage the electorate to rise in revolt?

ROBERTS: Pretty good, don’t you think?

KENNEDY: My God. You’re throwing it right back at ’em.

ROBERTS: Rubber and glue, my friend, rubber and glue. (very long pause)

KENNEDY: It’s pretty brilliant. But one problem. Who are you going to get to flip? Sam? Tony?

ROBERTS: Don’t be ridiculous.

KENNEDY: Well, Clarence, then.

ROBERTS: Who’s Clarence?

BOTH: HAHAHAHA

ROBERTS: Nope, it’s gotta be me, I guess. I’ve already sort of fleshed out the Opinion, I’ll just finish it up before I head home. Jeez, sometimes I hate being the boss.

KENNEDY: Alright, John, alright.  So how can I help? You want me to write a blistering Dissent, give you some cover?

ROBERTS: Nah, it’s gotta have a lot more red meat than that. There’s only one thing to do. (pause) I’m gonna get Clarence to write it.

KENNEDY: Who’s Clarence?

BOTH: HAHAHAHAHA…

6.22.12 Doubling Down

Both sin and salvation have their standards.

Every deck of cards is pretty much the same.  Same number of cards, same suits, same face cards and number cards.  But it wasn’t always that way.  When the first playing cards entered the western world in the 1300’s (courtesy of Italian traders returning from the Orient), they were a hodgepodge of different versions.  The earliest deck that resembles our modern version appeared in Rouen, France in 1565.  After that time, card-playing became increasingly popular throughout Europe.

Someone soon realized that cards are for gambling, gambling makes money, and that revenue can be taxed. That someone was King James I of England.  In 1611, he standardized the English card industry around a consistent deck, and required that card manufacturers be licensed and pay a fee to the crown for every deck they printed.

The “King James deck” is therefore a snapshot of the European world view of 1611. The number of cards represents the 52 weeks of the year, broken into four seasons (suits), ruled over by famous Jewish, Greek, Roman and Medieval nobles, who may also represent the 12 signs of the Zodiac. The Kings are largely believed to be David (Spades), Charlemagne (Hearts), Caesar (Diamonds) and Alexander (Clubs).  The Queens are the Greek Minerva, Judith of France, and the biblical Rachel.  The fourth is Argine, an anagram of “Regina” meaning “Queen.” The Jacks are the soldiers Ogier, La Hire, Hector and Judas Maccabee.

There have been a few changes since then.  Jacks were originally called Knaves, but it was confusing to have both “K”s and “Kn”s in the corners, so a term was stolen from the game All Fours, where the Knave of the trump suit is called the Jack.  Aces became more powerful than face cards after the French Revolution, to symbolize the power of the common man over the King.  The Joker is an American invention, naturally.  It was invented as the highest card in Euchre, also spelled “Juker,” and evolved from there.

But for the most part, the modern deck owes its form to King James.  So when you are sitting at a blackjack table in Sin City, you have him to thank for your hedonism (if you are winning) or for your guilt (if you are losing).

Thankfully, you can also look to him for possible absolution.  Just go up to your hotel room, open up the night table drawer, and there it is:  The King James Bible!  Yeah, it was also standardized by King James I, and in that same fateful year of 1611.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.  And James is the King of it all.